I have always considered myself to be a liberal parent. As a young, well, if you consider sliding down the backside of 30 “young,” mom, I thought that the teenage years of my 5 children would be a breeze; particularly the oldest 2, currently 16 and 14. I just knew that we’d sail through these years with my providing anecdotal advice from my own (not too distant) teen years, and them gratefully taking my advice even thanking me with a gratitude-filled hug. “Wow, Mom, thanks so much for saving me from that potentially dangerous situation!” or “I am so lucky to have such a hip young mom whose willing to share her mistakes so that I don’t have to make my own!”
Okay, so maybe that’s a bit much, but I did hope that maintaining an open relationship with them, sharing my own mistakes, and picking my battles would allow us to have an easy transition from children to young women. When Lucie, 14, wanted her eyebrow pierced, I said “sure,” thinking “not a big deal – it could be worse. At least she asked!” I even drove her to the mall and snapped pictures while her best friend and big sister held her hands. Chalk one up for Cool Mom. When Lucie started getting…interesting haircuts, I held my tongue. Ok, so I choked a little but mostly on laughter. When those hairstyles began manifesting themselves in every color of the rainbow, I smiled ’til it hurt and said “it could be worse! Just use a good bleach before applying that blue dye or it’ll never take, Honey!” I even elbowed my husband when he laughed and said her hair post bleach, pre-dye, resembled the fur of our Pomeranian. See? I was being Cool Mom. Eyebrow piercings close, hair goes back to it’s natural color, and music tastes (hopefully) change. All was well.
Until…The Dating Debacle.
I have to say that I take partial responsibility for this. When Lucie developed a taste for local music, I encouraged it. After all, local seems to be the new buzzword, right? So I allowed her to go to see local bands. Wait – I have to back up. I allowed her to see local bands with me in tow. It seemed a safe thing to do. She could do her thing while I sat at a table hidden in the corner. Granted the first time I watched my baby heading for the ‘pit’, it took everything in my mama-self not to jump in after her, but I restrained myself. I prepared myself to remain hidden in the corner with the other parents. So imagine my complete surprise when Lucie started bringing young men (and I do mean young men) over to meet me. Secretly, I was thrilled. She wanted her friends to meet me! And they didn’t even ask me to buy them beer! Over the next several shows, several young men would come over and introduce themselves, offering obviously parent-taught handshakes and speaking and behaving in ways that belied their multiple piercings and…odd hairstyles. These were obviously well-brought up kids, and I felt honored to know them.
That was until Lucie, in all of her 14 year old innocence, asked to go out with one of these young men. Well, I had met this kid and thought a lot of him, so my first instinct was to say “sure!” Then I asked ‘The Question’ – the question that strikes fear in the heart of moms and daughters alike, albeit for different reasons. “How old is he again?” Lucie hemmed and hawed, some inner instinct surely telling her that this wouldn’t work out well. “Umm, 18. He just turned 18 last week.” You could have knocked me over. My knees got weak and my voice rose 3 octaves. Until this point, “dating” was limited to a couple of guys her own age, and consisted of going to church youth group together driven by myself or the other mom. Granted, she did date the 16 year-old Chick Fil-A cow, but they never saw each other. It was a Facebook relationship. Besides, it was a guy in a cow suit for goodness sake. That provided me with fodder for jokes for as long as the relationship lasted. That, and her sister was dating the guy that dressed up as the Statue of Liberty on street corners. At the same time. Really, what are the odds? Sorry, I digress: my point simply being that dating, real dating, had, up until this point, not been an issue.
That is when the arguments began. Not between Lucie and I mind you, but between – you guessed it – my husband, Lucie’s Daddy, and I. While my heart was still in a semi-permanent state of lurch, I approached this somewhat anxiously, knowing how fathers feel about their daughters. “Hey uh, Lucie wants to go out with this guy -” at which point I was interrupted with the barrage of dad-isms: “Who is he? Where did she meet him?” And of course the dreaded “How old is he?” Now, I’ve never been at a loss for words, but I actually stammered “He’s uh, well, you see, he just turned 18.” And then the boom lowered. “Are you crazy? (Questionably, yes.) “What would make you even consider this? Do you know what 18 year old boys are like? I DO. No. End of discussion.” Well, this was quite a mouthful for my usually taciturn husband, a man of few words. Anxious to defend myself and what little sanity I have carefully preserved, I replied, “I’ve met this guy and he is a well-mannered young man. Clearly he comes from a good family. He even shakes hands well!” This was met with eye-rolling and barely concealed laughter. “You fell for that?” was his dubious reply. I sniffed indignantly. “You also believed that guy Caitie liked was really a youth minister!” Ooops. He had me there. “No. Absolutely not. She can’t date. She’s 14. Definitely not an 18 year old. And I don’t care when he turned 18. End of discussion.”
Well it wasn’t. It just opened a whole new proverbial can of worms. I’ve discovered my 14 year old doesn’t like to be told no without good reason. I wonder where she got that from… And so it went from “No” to that particular guy to “When can I date? Why can’t I date NOW? What are the age limits? Blah blah blah…” Looking back – and this gets harder as the years go by – I tried to remember my own 14 year-old self. “Dating” was more of a group thing, I think: a group of us met at malls, at teen clubs, at peoples’ houses. I think I recall being able to date a few guys within 2 years of my own age with my parents’ permission, but I also remember sneaking dates with older boys behind my parents’ unknowing backs, although my conscience smacked with guilt. (I wasn’t a good liar!) I had hoped that my children had inherited my inability to lie as well as my penchant for guilt. So I approached my husband with this: “You know, Hon, we’ve raised our kids to have strong morals, and we have instilled in them good values and, hopefully a healthy dollop of common sense. (He snorted at this.) I really think we should go at this on a case-by case basis. While I agree that 18 is a bit too old, I still think we should let the kids come over and meet them on an individual basis before slapping an age limit down.” Score one point for hip mom, right? No. That was shot down before the words had fully hit the air. Again, he stated “I was a teenage boy. And I know what teenage boys are like. And what do you think an 18 year old wants with a 14 year old girl?” Well, putting it like that made it sound like all teenage boys were perverts and pedophiles, which I just didn’t happen to agree with, so, I went to the usually more sympathetic uncle. He agreed with Dad. Should have seen that coming…
And the village says…
Anxious for input, because I was seriously beginning to doubt myself, and reminding myself that it takes a village to raise a child, I reached out to my own online village via a social networking sight and begged for feedback: “At what age should a girl be allowed to date? And what age should they be allowed to date?” I was unprepared for the overwhelming amount of responses I received. My “village,” it seems, has some pretty strong opinions when it comes to young girls and dating, and weren’t at all shy about sharing them.
Roy Whitlock, a Charlottesville resident and father of Rachel, 18, says, “We allowed supervised visits and outings. No unsupervised things.”
Michele Rodriguez, mom to Brodi, 5, had a different opinion. “I think it depends on the 14 year old’s maturity, and who she’s dating.”
Aunt of 5, Jennifer Sluder thinks “supervised dating is okay, depending on who the dater is.”
Along the same lines, Kimberly Welch says that she “agrees with supervised dating until teens are a little older. They grow up fast enough as it is,” she adds.
Dave Bernstein offers “it…depends on how they define ‘dating.’ If it just means calling each other ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ and eating lunch together in school, sure. Otherwise, I’d be leery.”
And leery a lot of people were. Amy Jones, a youth group leader writes: “I say that they shouldn’t be allowed to ever be in a situation where they can figure out how to be alone enough to have sex. If they can hang out where it is guaranteed that they wouldn’t be able to have sex, then I’d allow it. But think back to being 14…and what guys are all about at that age.”
Stacey Guard, mom of 2 boys, writes “Let me tell you, as a mother of boys, I KNOW what my boys were like at 14, and you wanted them nowhere around your 14 year old girl, I assure you, especially not alone. No way!”
Lois Jones Haines, mother of 2 grown children and grandmother to Jonesie, 2, adds “Boys can have all of the agendas they want, but teach her to say NO and mean it. Right is right and wrong is wrong. There are no grey areas there.”
And Vivian Hargrave, mom of 4 and grandma to 4, adds, “No car rides alone…no leaving the house alone. I do not care how mature or responsible your 14 year old is, she is not ready to deal with the pressures of being alone with a guy. Hormones go crazy with a look at that age. Good parenting doesn’t stand a chance. Screaming, foaming at the mouth, possibly ‘I hate you’ may come when you say “no” but take it from one who knows. You will be glad in the end.”
And Teri Allen, mom to well, me, and Grammy of 5, says “Seriously, young people do not need to be alone – it only invites trouble by placing them in situations that they are not mature enough to handle.”
I really wanted to be the “yes” mom on this one – not to the 18 year old: definitely not. If he’s old enough to be drafted and vote, he’s too old for my kid. And doesn’t that add to the creep factor? In my opinion, yes.
In the end, after lots of arguing: me and Daddy, me and Lucie, Lucie and Daddy…and much well-received advice from online friends and family, we came to an agreement: Absolutely no dating anyone over 2 years older than Lucie. That means she can date anyone born on or after June 26, 1994. No exceptions. And no solo dating: not yet.
My mom, Teri Allen, remembers well: “It is hard. You want to be their best friend and their parent. But Honey, realize that they are going to have lots of best friends and only one mama and daddy. And as their mom, you make decisions they don’t like. Better to be safe than sorry.”
To that, Vivian Hargrave adds: “In the end, all of the good advice, good thoughts or whatever, you’ll do what feels right to you. Hopefully, it will work to both of your benefit…but if not, you will do what you can to correct the results and move on. Life is life. We got to make mistakes and each time we do, hope we have the opportunity to learn and grow.”
Well said, I think. And I will continue to encourage Lucie to meet people of all ages. I will continue to encourage her love of local music, and I will continue enjoying meeting her male friends of all ages. But let her go out with them? You can bet not. And when my now – 6 year old son Will asks the same question, the answers will be the same for him too. And I thank my stars I have a few years there.